so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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