yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
