I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
