Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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