you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
