smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
