i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
we're so committed to being not committed
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
