My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My feet surprised me
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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