he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
