i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
