some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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