Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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