I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
