so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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