was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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