If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Im part way to drunk.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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