Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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