He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
