dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
