if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
