Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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