Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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