My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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