I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
