omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
