I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
