God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
