I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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