Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize