mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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