Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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