bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
