Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
