i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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