she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
