I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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