just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
