If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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