I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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