So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
i think my cat just said my name.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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