I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
