I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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