Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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