just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
