he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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