Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
