She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
