You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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