no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
