between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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