i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
