Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
