I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
