bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
