Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
