So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
