After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You need Xanax blowdarts
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
