The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
