My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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