So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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