We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
