you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
