I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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