my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
