kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
